well,

i believe i'm the lucky one.

♥

I feel like a marshmallow melting inside. Unexpected, but extremely lovely. Just as Petit Prince's fox.

so Beatles come here and calm me down for a while.

is the glass half full or half empty?

I don't feel anything at all

Dear June,

You're not welcome. I don't want another month, days are passing really fast and I'm afraid of not being able to treat you well. I think I'll create another month, with 958 days, called Cucumber, between May and June. I know it would be more matchable if it was September, October, Cucumber, November, December (these months together could be a nice poem, right?). But I don't want June now. Maybe in 2012. I actually don't know if months are allowed to exist in this year. So deal with that.

nothing to lose

there's nothing to win tough. So let's escape to India to eat, pray and love. Let's paint a blank wall. And drink until alcoholic coma. And pretend we're in childhood again. Like Constable did. Let's find the cure to melancholy. Bras Cubas tried. There's nothing for me now, so let's have a conversation with Joana D'Arc. Let's bungee jump. And meet the incas in Japan or Finland. And have some insects for dinner. I have a chinese friend, but I don't think he has insects for dinner. My daddy does. Let's create a new religion. And build a transformer. A pink-gay-glittered transformer. Let's create packs of happiness to sell. I'd buy all of them. And I'd give some to my dog. Let's have a kid. Or ten kids. Or two rabbits. Rabbits are better. Let's sleep in a field of sunflowers. And dance around a bonfire. Like american natives. Praying for the rain. Let's become coreans. And travel to Callisto. I'm not losing anything. I don't feel like I actually have something. So let's create some kangaroos at home. I think kangaroos are cute. Let's fight against cowboys. They suck. Let's cut off our ears. And fall in love with each other. And get separated five years later. Let's die and reborn. And sing We Are the Champions. Let's ask Schopenhauer if he was depressed. Saramago would say he had a little bit of marasmus. I think I've got this marasmus thing. I think it's some kind of disease. So let's believe in something. I'd like to believe in something huge. So let's be Mario and Luigi. Actually, I'd rather be Toad... Well, maybe we should take a nap until spring, darling. Happiness, I'm waiting for you to hit us like a train on a track. Dog days must be over.

don't feel like writing

For the first time. Because in the minute feelings do materialize into words, the limit is estipulated - and soon the verisimilitude disapears. Maybe we don't feel like writing because we realize bad emotions hiden, and well, the fear always arrives when my fingers touch the keyboard. Sometimes the best way of living is not thinking about it. Ignorance is a gift.

procrastinating

"Talvez bastasse qualquer coisa, como chegar muito perto de você, passar a mão no teu cabelo e te chamar de amigo. Ou sorrir, só sorrir"

I know this was supposed to be an English blog, but Caio makes me feel so ... understood? And this phrase is so cute, I can't handle it hahah. Today I'm posting about... Nothing. Cool huh? If I were you I'd not read this post, ahah. Maybe the next I'll talk about Maquiavel or something more interesting, but today I'm so tired I can't even touch my books. This cold weather + annoyed nose (?) + feelings after Easter = procrastination. So, I was going to talk about the guy from class A, but it's too complicate and tragic. haha. If I ever become friends with him, maybe I'll talk about him just as I did with B.T. And talking about B, today I sat away from him and he complained to me. Sooo cute, it made me happy! hahaha. Well, today I had a nightmare. A woman named Andreia wanted to murder me and the whole night she was chasing to kill me. Great? hahaha. Well, I'm sleepy, goodnight (???)

and i'm sorry for the terrible post. almost.

luckiest place ever

Yesterday I went to Bachan's house and I've noticed, in the garden, a pot of four leaf clovers. And when a saw that kind of allegory of fortune and luck, I tought - "there isn't a place more aproppriate than Bachan's house to put this pot". Because her house is such a calm and pleasant place, when I'm in there, the aura is pretty nice. Dichan keeps singing in the house, so cute! And Bachan is really positive and has those seicho-no-ie feelings that makes me feel like home. Maybe I feel like home in there better than in my own home. That house makes me remember my childhood, when little hyperactive cousins were driving the aunts crazy. And after that, the place is where I meet my family on holidays. So, I've got only good memories of it. Laughs, cards and good food. Without getting tired of it. Well, I do believe that those clovers are in the right place.

ps: comments are nice. :)

turner sky

Today I saw a Turner Sky. Returning from class on foot, I looked at the sky and viewed that Turner sky I always saw at Freerice.com and at Sandra's art history. I think Turner's way of painting is so beautiful, but I've never stared (or never noticed) at it as a live sky. It's awesome! The weather was so cold (wearing gloves yet!), Foo Fighters was making me company, and the sky was at twilight. Looking at the horizon, I could check the clouds better outlined, and the colors, and the lights. But up above the sky there were Turner clouds, so smoky, so flowing, so peaceful! Surely had a good time today.

(But on Earth it was darkening, so I had to return to home faster :( )

heart felt stuff

This whole happening in Realengo made me notice how fragile human being is. I can't handle watching this Fantastico's report. It's just too terrifying, it's unbelievable, I can't. Thinking about every single life taken because of... Because of what? What was happening to that man? I don't want to judge him, I bet Wellington was initially a nice person. Following a Rousseau like thought, I wish I knew what took him to do something like this. Writing that kind of letter and planning that massacre, it's not purely rational - he was extremely changed. Not the same effect of drugs, but the effect of such a pain I can't imagine. And I feel sorry about him. I feel sorry about those children, about their families, about everyone's life in that place. I feel sorry because he wasn't the only one who was suffering that way. I feel shame, impotency, even tough guilty. Why he had to do that? Earlier bullying in that school, frustrations, mother's death, fundamentalism...? It sounds incomprehensible, right? I wish I could save him before this deep state of unaware impassivity.

There are so many stuff we still have to change, and I feel really disappointed about this sensacionalistic midia, not caring about the psychological state of the survived ones. Watching the news these days made me want to do medicine so badly, I really want this, I really have to do this...

for real?

English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing... I've got tests this Friday. God helps me. Did I mention that I'm even praying in English? It's funny, and I know He is able to understand me hahaha. Hope I'll understand english on Friday too :( English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing, English practicing...

"desejo a você um amor, um louco amor"

I hope before your death you had this fulfilled peace you wrote once. Maybe somewhere you'll find out all my beliefs about "amor, saudade, e paz". Yeah, I truly want to experience all those feelings described in your words, some of them I can only imagine. I know you can't get what I mean now, I'm just a 18 years old girl and I think you're so great, you're so huge... If I could, I'd embrace you and say "shu, it's ok, no need to be afraid". Years ago I used to believe that those famous phrases were all hyperbolical ones. But now I get - they're beautiful; and real. Almost undescribable, but you've got the gift to translate feelings into words. Actually, when I read you, looks like you know every single part of my soul. I feel the same way, and I sense your tenderness right by my side. You made me stronger. Thank you.

C.F.A. ♥

(call me gay, i know hahaha)

big fat weekend with paki

I should post more often here. Right now I was supposed to be on English afternoon classes, but they aren't as useful as I wish they were. Since I'm cheating class, posting is the way to ease my guilty conscience.

So, last weekend Paki came to Little London (i think the english sounding of my city is so cute! ♥) for her first time! I wanted her to go to my most favorite places, which generally involve places with food. Hahaha so we had Renato's Juice at the bus station (?) and kept on talking and talking. At night we went to the mall and we had Shrimp Pastel, juice and Chocolate Waffles from Pastel Mel and Ice Capuccino at Porto (we're fat!). There, I did a ear piercing! I was a bit tense - before me there was a girl who was sick after doing a belly button one, but everything worked out with me haha. On Sunday we were supposed to go to Igapo Lake, but the weather wasn't helpful. So at lunch we had barbecue at Gabi's, and Paki met my crazy-gossipy-polemic-humanitary friends, and we had some philosophical discussion about life and why human being likes to live in a vertical building hahaha. Later we went to Chocolataria and Paki tasted the classic Rubi Pie, which is made of chocolate and berries - marvelous! I used to say that Rubi pie is a piece of heaven, ahah. So in the afternoon we stood playing Harvest Moon and Paki helped me to activate another Bell ♥ At night she tasted Rob's famous hot-dog, and later we talked to Marina by Skype. Marina even did "fortune telling" to me with Tarot cards, I'm always bothering her and asking to play Tarot with me hahaha.

So on Monday I went to cursinho in the morning and Paki stayed home with Pochi (?) hahah. We had lunch and my brother took us to Paki's friend to deliver her hahah. I wish I could take Paki to more interesting places, go to a Legião Urbana cover or something similar, taste Freddo's Torta Belga Ice cream, go to Igapo to check the english telephone cabin and Imagine (John Lennon's song) lyric written in a piece of rock. But it was nice. Paki is so cute, I wish she could come to Londrina more often ♥

ps: B.T. does know my name. :D

B.T.

B.T. is my classmate at cursinho, he sits at my side everyday. Can I be honest? Oh God, I love him hahaha. Actually I started to sit next to him last week, so I don't know too much about B. I know he wants to do Mechanical Engineering, I know he's got a girlfriend (who doesn't have one in that place?!), I know he is serving the Army, I know he studied at Marista last year. Just this. But you know? When your first impression is so nice that makes you want to be friends? I don't know what he does to make me want it, but he's so sweet! With 'Good Morning's, smiles, Halls and militar clothing! He's always lending me his books or erases because every-single-day I forget something at home. I miss this friendly attitude, and he's really nice with me. Today I offered my notebooks to him, since he always misses the last class because of the army. I hope we become friends soon. ♥

ps: maybe i'm the only one in the world who has this kind of feeling for nothing in special D: maybe he doesn't even know my name. hahaha but its ok ♥

loneliness is just away

Woah, where's my sleepness? It's friday 00:56 and I'm awake - No, I'm not hanging out, I'm not studying, I'm doing nothing. Hahah I was meant to read one short story of Monteiro Lobato and go directly to bed, but I feel so eletric and my toughts are in high speed, I can't just turn off. Camila is spending some days here with me, it's just thankful that in this crazy routine I can share moments with her. Loneliness is just away. She's sleeping now at my side, wish I were this restful right now. Tomorrow we still have classes, but only in the morning - Ten times better! Two literature classes, these artistic and cultural classes always make me smile! At lunch I'm hanging out with the girls at Pastel Mel (so delicious!), I'm happy about it. Days are passing and I feel like there's something huge waiting for me. However I'm not anxious or even excited. Don't know why I'm so eletric, I'm not really sure about what I was supposed to feel. Should I be nostalgic about my past? Hopeful about future? Normally I'm focusing on these two, but right now present is nice. Some kind of instantaneous peace lays on me - love when this happens. But as I said, instantaneous - I'm sure tomorrow 8 a.m. I'm anything but peaceable.

bottles in my pocket

This weekend I went to Gustavo's birthday party. As Barney Stinson would say, it was legen - wait for it - dary! hahaha I met my old friends and God, I miss them so much! It's so weird to think that, four months ago, you were all laughing together in the school and now everybody is taking their way to life.

It was his sister's birthday too, she is now a 15 year old girl! In these 15 year old parties there are always some friends who do those beautiful speeches; it brought me some reminiscences of three years ago and I finally tought - "ok, we are getting older, how sad!" haha. This time her friends sang "Hey Soul Sister" to her, it wasn't professional and gorgeous, but I could feel the tenderness of that friendship - so sweet.

The party was great too. Haha there were some crazy drinks with a brilliant ice and brilliant cups, smoky colorful drinks and pina colada - it was really cool haha! (note: Talking like that makes me feel that drunk wanna-be-cool adolescent, I'm not that one ok?). The funniest part was watching my 'happy' friends. Nah was laughing about everything! Gabi asked a barman in marriage (??) and he put those brilliant rings in her finger (again, don't you have that bad image of them, Gabi herself didn't have any alcoholic drink hahahaha she's naturally crazy). Dancing is always therapeutic to me, even tough I should take some saloon dance lessons. Those Whisky-a-GoGo and It's Raining Men old songs are nostalgic too! The bad part of dancing is destroying your feet in high-heels haha.

It was so amazing to be at their sides. And I know times like these aren't frequent, so when I woke up the next day I was already missing them. I wish I could put all of them in small bottles which I would take with me everyday, everywhere...

about the name...

The worst part of creating a blog is thinking about its name. My past blog's names were "Winter Flower" (I know it's terrible, I was only 12 ok?), "Only Forever", "Make a Wish", "Five Seasons", "High As the Sky", "Explosive Bananas", "Hooking Flies", "Couldn't Find A Name" (yeah.), and "Compulsion and Chocolate" - all of them in English, Japanese or Portuguese.

Them all were sort of an 'inspiration' (if you can call it an inspiration, alright...), but this one right here wasn't. As I said before, I was jealous of Marina and Paki because of their English blogs, so I wanted it fastly so bad that couldn't wait for the divine inspiration and ended up taking a phrase of one of my favorite songs - Elephant Gun, from Beirut. I don't know if this song is famous in other parts of the world, since this band is considered an Indie Folk one. But I believe it is known here in Brazil because of the miniserie Capitu, featured in the brazilian TV channel Globo. This serie was inspired on the greatest book of Machado de Assis, Dom Casmurro. I just love the story, and love even more the miniserie. ♥ Elephant Gun is one of my favorites because of the melodie. When I hear this song, I just feel like life so huge and I have a lot in the future, waiting for me. The sensation is hope mixed with instantaneous happiness. Can you understand what I mean?

So this phrase "Take the big king down" didn't make sense for me in the beginning - actually, none terms of the songs did. But after I read it again, it sounded likeable. And well, I think it fits in this new life of mine. The big king is kind of a metaphore to my obstacles. I'm taking the big king down, keeping my mental health balanced, thinking more about myself. Passing at the exams in the end of the year. Taking the big king down not letting my friends gone. And paying more attention to the family. Reading more books and well, I don't know. Living life properly? Feeling every single second pass and feel that 2011 was worth? Ok, this conversation seems so unreachable - it would be difficult to transmit my toughts even in portuguese, I should stop by today. haha.

If anyone have got interessed in the song, here goes the video.

Cya.

complaining

Since the new life had begun, I'm talking less and less to my dearest friends. It's normal, right? All of us knew it since last year. But you know, when you're tired of that physics homework but can't sleep because of the headache? You receive a call from your old friend and keep talking about 45 minutes, notice that it was too much for a day and turn it off, even though you had a lot of stuff to talk and a lot to hear - That sucks. So you access the computer and notice all of your friends online in Messenger, but you're too tired to talk to them - for 15 minutes, it's not enough anyway. So you come to Blogger to complain, and try to put in your head that you should get used to this whole new situation - you've got at least more nine months acting like this. But you remember that you're meeting with your friends again next Saturday. So the headache seems a little bit better, the 15 minutes left are over, and you go to bed to repeat the routine next day.

let the seasons begin

Inspired by Marina and Paki, I've decided to create another blog. This version in English, since I'm trying to get improved in the language. I know this isn't the greatest moment to deal with a website, because I'm joined in an Integral Pre-Vestibular Course focused on Medicine. But I think I have an excuse - the local university (State University of Londrina) decided, this year, to stabilish English as the 3rd specified subject in the course. Obviously I won't be able to post every single day, but I'll try to appear sometimes - talking about general stuff ain't that difficult, right?
As you can notice, I'm not that expert in English, so I'm apologizing for my mistakes from now on. If you find some, feel free to advise me and make me a better writter. And well, I wish I had more time to stay here talking about life and it's repercussions and whatever, but it's amost midnight. I have to wake up early tomorrow, weekend is over. So, let the seasons begin!